Jack and Emilia were wandering the market stalls
on Palau Palau, as they usually did on Sunday
afternoons. Emilia was looking for ingredients to make a medicine that
would relieve Jack of his nasal
congestion. As they were about to head back to the lab for teatime,
someone snuck up on them from
behind and knocked them out.
It was some time later when Jack woke up. As his
vision cleared, he looked over and saw Emilia
lying on the floor, unconcious. Glancing around, he saw that he was
in a room with what looked like long
poles with clothes hanging on them. Overhead, long, white tubes glowed
a bright white light. People were
starting to gather around him and Emilis, pointing and staring.
"Hey! Halloween's over,
freak!" a person shouted from the crowd.
"Who're you calling a freak?"
wheezed Jack. His nose was still stuffed. "Where am I?"
"Well, you're in JCPenny's
at the mall!" said the man.
"Huh?" said Jack. "What
the heck's a mall?"
Suddenly, Emilia sat up. "Jack, where are we?" she asked,
looking around.
"Apparently, we're in a
'mall' and we are considered 'freaks' here."
At that moment, a man wearing dark glasses and dressed
in a light blue shirt came in and grabbed Jack's
arm. "Sir. Ma'am, you're gonna have to come with me," he said.
"How come?" Jack asked.
"Because I say so and it
is for your own safety."
"And we should listen to
you because?"
The man frowned. "Don't you recognize the police uniform
I'm wearing?"
Emilia nudged Jack. "An authority figure," she hissed.
"Better listen to him. See the weapon he has there?"
Jack noticed the gun the man had around his waist in a
holster. It was similar to one he had seen before,
but this one... Jack looked at Emilia and nodded. "All right. We're
going." He staggered to his feet and then
assisted Emilia.
The two spies were led to what looked to them like a big
Stagecoach, but without horses. The police man
motioned for them to sit in the back seat. Emilia and Jack found themselves
on a material much like leather, but
not leather. Looking forward, they found themselves gazing through
what appeared to be meshed wire. Once the
police man was seated in the front, he stuck what appeared to be a
key in a thing with a slot and turned the key.
The two spies were startled to feel the coach rumble beneath them.
Then the man made a couple of movements and
the coach moved all by itself!
"Amazing!" Emilia breathed. "A
motorized land vehicle!" She looked around with wide-eyed wonder. "Excuse
me,
sir? Just where are we?" she asked after a moment.
"What?" the man blinked, then,M'am,
you're in the United States of America."
"Allright! Good ol' US of A!" said Jack.
The policeman just looked at his two passengers and shook his head.
He took Jack and Emilia to a rather large builing
where many of the other people were dressed in the same blue
uniforms. Jack was somewhat confused. He had never seen such a place
before.
This couldn't be America! He was
soon led into a room where he was asked to sit in a chair facing another
man who had a rather stern expression. Emilia
was taken to another room. "Say uh...police guy or whatever."
The policeman looked up. "The names Officer Chad."
"Uh...okay. Anyway, is President Thomas
Jefferson still here?"
Officer Chad was looking at him strangely. "Uh...no. But
we're gonna have a new president soon."
"Oh, I see! So, who's gonna be elected
next?"
"It's either Al Gore or George W. Bush."
"Uh...ok. So who's winning?"
"It's a long story about the state Florida
incident!"
"What's going on in Florida?"
"Don't tell me you haven't heard?" Jack
shook his head. "Well, you'd be one of the very few who's been able to
escape
it all. Florida has to recount the votes cast in three counties because
during Election Night, the dang media said Gore won
Florida, then they took it back and said it was a close race. Then
they said Bush won and declared Bush the winner. But in
the morning, America found itself without a new president. And I've
confused you, haven't I?"
"You lost me after 'Election Night',"
Jack said.
Just then Emilia was escorted in. Officer Chad blinked
and looked at her a long time before looking back at Jack. "What's
your name?" he asked suddenly.
"Jack Stiles. And that's Emilia Rothschild,"
Jack nodded to where Emilia was staring out the window.
"Jack and Emilia...now where have I
heard that name from? Oh my God!!!" the policeman exclaimed. "You're Bruce
Campbell and Angela Dotchin! I loved your show! It's too bad it got
cancelled!! Say, even though you said that you don't do
autographs, but please, could you just sign this for me?!" Officer
Chad pulled out a pen from his pocket and a ticket pad. "You
can just sign it on the back!"
"Whoa hold on there! Bruce who? And
Angela what?!" Jack was at a total lost.
Officer Chad glanced at the two people. Both had confused expressions.
"You aren't them, are you?" he asked dejectedly.
"No. I'm afraid we aren't," Emilia
said softly. "As you can see, we're strangers here..and in what I guess
is another time?
Could you please tell us what year this is?"
"It's the year two thousand,"
the officer replied after a moment.
"Oh my good lord Jack! We're practically...in
the future!" Emilia gulped.
After a few more hours of questioning, Emilia and Jack
were taken to a nearby hotel where a Hercules/Xena convention
was going to be taking place that weekend. Officer Chad was thrilled
to find out that Bruce Campbell and Angela Dotchin
were scheduled to appear and planned to return the next day. In the
meantime, Jack and Emilia would be left on their own to
try and figure out the future for a couple days, courtesy of the American
government.
The two spies were like children on Christmas morning
getting in to their presents. Jack was taken by a thing called a blender.
It
resembled the grinder Emilia had in her lab, but it was made out of
this material that neither one of them could recognize. The only
reason Jack had been so enthralled by the machine was because now he
could make all his favorite beverages from the Drunken Pig.
The two spies also learned about a calculator. Emilia was amazed to
learn that it was a descendent of the Atticus model. She was
amazed at how accurate it was in calculating numbers. Another thing
Emilia loved was a thing called a laptop computer. Both spies
enjoyed the television in their room. Emilia was quite fond of the
shows called "Soap Operas" in a little book called the TVGuide.
Jack tried to get control of the television at night so he could watch
whatever sports events were on--a new version of cock fighting,
Jack supposed.
"Man Em, the future practiclly has a solution
for everything these days!" Jack was watching television.
"Everything short of World Peace," Emilia
muttered. "This 'computer is VERY fascinating!"
They had just gotten off the plane and were being taken
to the hotel. "I'm telling you Angie, you want to be careful at these
things,"
Bruce Campbell was saying to the other star of Jack Of All
Trades, Angela Dotchin.
"My goodness Bruce!" Angela exclaimed. "You
would think we were about to encounter wildebeests the way you keep warning
me about the convention!"
"Actually wildebeests would be tamer," Bruce
quipped.
"I see. So, if these conventions are as bad
as you seem to be implying," Angela started after a moment, "why do you
keep going?"
"The fans adore me!" Bruce put out his arms in a
kingly manner. Angela laughed, used to putting up with his and their other
co-stars'
antics on the set of their show.
As Angela stopped laughing, Bruce's cellular phone rang.
He rolled his eyes before answering it. "Hello?" Bruce picked up his cell
phone. "Uh-huh. Yes. What?!! You've got to be kidding me! All right,
we're on our way to the hotel now. Meet us there, would you?"
Bruce hung up his cell phone and told Angela about the "weird incident"
they were about to investigate.
A half hour later, Bruce and Angela's shuttle arrived at the
convention hotel. They were met by Officer Chad who quickly explained the
entire situation as he led them to Jack and Emilia's room.
"Mr. Stiles? Miss Rothschild?" he called,
knocking on their door. "It's Officer Chad."
"You may come in Mr. Chad," Emilia returned.
The door opened and Bruce and Angela entered with Chad following them.
Emilia's
eyes widened when she saw the two actors. "Jack! You have to see this!"
"What?" Jack came out of the bathroom and
ran in to his twin.
"Looks like you weren't kidding!" Angela and
Emilia circled each other. Jack and Bruce were doing the same thing. Heh!
I'm more
handsome then him! Jack thought.
"What is going on here?" Angela asked after
a moment.
"Isn't it obvious?" Chad asked. "These have
got to be your biggest fans!"
"Either that or a couple of lunatics," Bruce
muttered. "I knew I shoulda left Renaissance when I had the chance!"
Just then, Stuart Devenie, Stephen Papps, and Verne Troyer walked
by, heading to their own rooms, having just arrived at the hotel.
"Everything looks fabulous!" Stuart said.
"I cannot wait to see the fans!"
"Yeah, this should be interesting. I wonder
how many people will be at this convention?" Stephen replied. "I'm not
sure who else is
appearing."
"Joel Tobeck was, but then he had the continuing
gig on Cleo. Ted Raimi will be attending," Verne added. "Usually New York
conventions are small. Ah, here's my room."
"Ours are just across from you. How thoughtful
of them!" Stuart said.
"Wonder where Bruce is," Stephen mused. "He
and Angie were supposed to be here before us."
"Let's drop our things in our rooms and then
go find them?" Verne suggested.
The three actors were just passing Jack and Emilia's room again
when Stuart happened to look in."Hey Bruce! Hey Angie!" he said
cheerfully. Then he did a double take. He saw not one, but two Bruces
and two Angelas. He assumed that the look-a-likes were just
a couple of fans.
"I didn't know the campainge to save Jack
Of All Trades was so strong," Stephen mused.
Bruce groaned. "Aww geez! How the heck are we going to explain
this?" he asked the same time Jack asked "Was that
Croque, Brogard, and Nappy I just saw there?"
"No, it wasn't," Angela assured the man who
claimed to be Jack Stiles. "Excuse me a moment." She stepped in to the
hall and was
immediately stopped by the other three actors.
"Angela, who are those people that look like
you and Bruce?" Stuart asked as she moved them away from the door for a
moment.
"Don't you know Jack Stiles and Emilia Rothschild
when you see them?" Angela said wryly.
"Wait a second! You mean to say that those
two look-a-likes think they're Jack and Emilia?" Verne started to go back
for another
look.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you. 'Jack'
seemed ready to fight when he saw you three," Angela warned him.
"I always said those time traveling shows
would come back to haunt Bruce and his friends' company," Stephen said.
Then, turning
their heads, Verne, Angela, Stuart, and Stephen listened to the strangers'
conversation for a couple of minutes.
"Em, this is getting stranger and stranger!
I just saw Croquey, Brogey, and even worse Nappy!" Jack bit his lip and
paced around the
room, avoiding the door.
"Jack! Calm down! I'm sure there's a logical
explanation for all this."
Back 2 Back Action continues with Jack
of All Trades! the television suddenly announced. Jack and Emilia rushed
over and saw
themselves on the screen! Jack, dressed in his Daring Dragoon outfit
was fighing off a group of French soldiers.
"Hey! How did they..." Jack's jaw was wide
open while the "Daring Dragoon" was sword-fighting and doing flips. "We
gotta turn this
thing off! What if Brogard, Nappy, and Croque return? Quick! Help me
turn it off!"
"I would love to, but where did you put the
remote?" Emilia asked.
"Hey, you're the one who had it last!"
"No I didn't! You did!"
Outside in the hallway, the four actors glanced at each other.
"Perhaps it would be a good idea to go in now? Before they break the
telly?" Stuart suggested.
"All right," Angela nodded and the four of
them entered the room. They discovered Jack and Emilia struggling with
the television. Jack
had it tilted and Emilia was searching for a button of some sort.
"Would you like some help?" Verne asked.
...which brought Jack to a lady
both beautiful and smart!
"Ahh! It's Nappy!" Jack attempted to hide behind
the curtain, but that did not work. He and Emilia watched the television
fearfully as the
intro to the program played.
Who found his mix intriguing,
a scoundrel with a heart!
From the halls of Montezuma,
to the shores of Tripoli,
there was never a leatherneck braver,
a Daring Dragoon is he!
"Don't listen to this box or whatever! It's all lies!"
He'll halt the bold advance of Napoleon's attack!
There ain't a French or Pirate's Rogue
who don't know Jack!
"Uh-oh!" Emilia gasped and looked at the men behind her
double.
"Oh! Don't worry about it. I already know--" Verne started.
"Please I'm sorry! Please don't chop of my head! It was
all Emilia's idea and all!" Jack pointed. Emilia was horrified.
"Hey! Don't worry! The guilltione hasn't been used for
a LONG time! And nobody wants to hurt you! So, please
calm down!" Stephen explained. Jack and Emilia nodded and sighed with
relief, although they still eyed the three actors
with suspicion.
"Are you all right?" Angela asked as she helped Bruce
off the floor. Apparently he had fainted at some point and no
one had paid him any mind.
"This is a nightmare!" he groaned.
"Come on, Bruce. It's not that bad," Verne said.
"Oh yeah? Name one way that it isn't," Bruce challenged.
"Thought so," he shrugged when no one could come up with
anything. "I just hope nobody else shows up until we figure out just
what is going on here!"
"Hey, can you people keep it down?" a voice called from
the hallway. A moment later a couple of teenagers appeared in
the doorway. Their eyes widened when they saw just who was in the room.
"Oh my God!" the girl shrieked. "I didn't realize we'd
be on the same floor as them!"
"This is totally cool!" the boy agreed.
"Sorry if we disturbed you," Bruce said, attempting to
shut the door and almost succeeded but the girl burst through a
split second before it latched.
"Holy Smoke! And they even have people here who
look exactly like them! Is this some publicity stunt?" she asked
looking at the actors.
"Laina, stop pestering them!" the boy came
in and started to drag her out. "Don't mind us. We're sorry to have disturbed
you."
"Wait a sec, Bryan!" she pulled free."These
two are dressed like Jack and Emilia... This obviously wasn't planned,
was it?" she
said after a moment, noting the heavy silence.
"It wasn't..Laina, right?" Angela said.
She glanced at the others, wondering if she should tell the kids the truth.
Would they believe it?
A half hour later and after a lot of rushed explanation, Laina
and Bryan were still in the room with the five actors, Jack, and Emilia.
While
it was still not clear whether they believed everything, they were
more then willing to help out.
"You know, should these two go
looking around, their clothes could cause a problem," Bruce said.
"No problem! We have some things
that might fit!" said Bryan. He and Laina motioned for Jack and Emilia
to follow them. They hesitated
a moment and then followed the two teenagers. Luckily the kids' mother
was out doing some sight-seeing of her own before dinner. After looking
through her things, Laina quickly outfited Emilia in a pair of tight
black jeans and a Xena "Fire T-shirt." Bryan rummaged through his own clothes
and handed Jack a pair of blue jeans and the white, "movie poster"
Army of Darkness t-shirt.
Ten minutes later they were ready. Jack gasped when he saw Emilia.
Clothing in the year two thousand seemed to be made for her. Emilia could
not get over Jack. He looked very handsome in his clothes. The shirt
was a bit too small for him, but the look it gave him was worth it. The
tight
material strecthed over and showed his muscles.
"Well, we better not keep
them waiting any longer," Laina said. She did not want to keep such cool
stars waiting. After all, as an aspiring
filmmaker, her dream was to one day work with Bruce. The two teenagers
led Jack and Emilia back to the room where the actors were waiting.
"Well, what do you think?" Laina asked.
The stars looked at the two time travelers and then
glanced at one another.
"At least they look like
they're from this century," Stephen said. "But that doesn't mean they can
be free to walk about-"
"Hey!" Jack and Laina exclaimed.
"Because," Stephen continued,
"the people attending the convention expect to see us and Angela and Bruce.
What's going to happen
if they see two Bruces and Angelas?"
"You know sis, he does have
a point," Bryan said after a moment. "Jack and Emilia do look like the
actors or is it that the actors look
like them--"
"Okay, so maybe there would
be some confusion.." Laina bit her lower lip. "At least until the costume
contest!"
"Costume contest?" Jack
and Emilia echoed.
"It's just something fans
do," Bruce started to explain. "They dress up as characters from the shows
we do and there's a contest the company
that sponsors these things do. Very amusing."
"We couldn't enter that!"
Emilia exclaimed. "It wouldn't be fair."
"I'm not saying you'd enter
the contest," Laina sighed. "Just that when the time comes, it might be
easier for you two to go around-- I guess
if they'd let you--" she nodded towards the others, "and you wouldn't
be stuck here."
"Nice idea, kid, but you're
forgetting one thing. They aren't from our time, so any wandering about
they do might not be the safest thing."
"It was just an idea," Laina
sighed dejectedly, feeling very miniscule in the eyes of one of the people
she most admired.
"It was a nice idea," Angela
smiled, shooting a 'now-look-what-you-did' glare at Bruce. Bruce shrugged.
"Why are we even worrying
about them being able to go around?" Verne asked suddenly. "We should be
trying to figure out how they
got here and how to get them back." He glanced at his Austin Powers
watch. "And even that must wait because it is time for the Star Dinner."
Stephen, Stuart, Bruce, Angela, and the teenagers groaned almost simultaneously.
"Guess we better head
down," Bryan took Laina's hand. "See you all down there?"
"Yeah. Oh, and thanks
for lending them something to wear," Bruce said.
Laina grinned happily as her brother pulled her out of the room.
"They seemed like
a couple of nice kids," Jack commented after a moment.
"Compared to some
of the other fans we have, they're pretty tame," Bruce agreed.
"Would you call them
wildebeests?" Angela asked with a smirk. Bruce chuckled and shook his head.
"Just an inside joke."
"I see. Back to the
situation at hand. For now I think we should give Jack and Emilia new names,"
Stuart suggested.
"Why? I like my name
the way it is!" Jack tried to make him not change his name.
"It's not that I don't
like it! Look, it's just for now in case you or Emilia happen to be out.
If anyone asks your name or mistakes you
as Bruce or Angela just tell them your 'fake name.' Ok?" Jack and Emilia
nodded. "Now let's see...think of a fake name..."
"I know!" Jack said.
"What?"
"How about ...our
own names," Jack finished. "Hey, you said it yourself, people might mistake
us for them. And we could say we're
just pretending to be Jack and Emilia. Why should anyone doubt us,
especially at this..what did you call it? Convention?"
Bruce looked at Emilia. "Is he always this
stubborn?"
"You should
know, Bruce. You played him," Angela quipped.
"Yeah, but Jack
was always thinking about sex!"
"Seems you've
got Jack down to a 'T'!" Emilia grinned.
"Okay, obviously
I just disappeared into thin air," Jack grumbled.
The stars soon left the room to attend the dinner. Jack
and Emilia were left alone in their room once again and Jack turned on
the TV.
He flipped through the channels: a documentery on the eating habits
of humming birds...a preacher talking about the Bible...an arist painting
a winter scene...a man saying "My name is Ash, and I am a slave..."
Jack flipped back and saw Bruce! He settled down
to watch the movie, only to find out that it was the same Army of Darkness
on the
shirt he was wearing! Jack found the movie quite humorous. Emilia decided
not to watch the movie. There was no way the Jack could find
something tasteful on. However, she soon became interested and sat
transfixed as she watched. What an excellent movie!
Later on, after the movie credits had rolled, Emilia
went back to playing with her computer. She had just discovered something
called the
"internet." By chance she stumbled across the Jack Of All Trades
website and the message board where fans could talk about the show. She
decided to explore this a little bit. She was shocked to find people
talking about them. She was baffled. All of the people had strange names.
Several were named after her and Jack and the Dragoon. Then there were
other names, like Deadly Chakram, japjoea, and Jordi.
Emilia clicked on a post labled a story train.
It appeared that the people would create a story by everyone adding a little
piece. Story after
story that she read had her and Jack being in love. She smiled a little.
Jack caught notice of Emilia smiling and asked "What's
that you're doing Em?"
"Come over here and read
this, Jack!" Emilia said, quickly clicking out of the message board.
As Jack walked over, she realized that she had returned
to the main page and the computer was singing again. "Is that box thingimigig
of yours
singing, Em?" he asked, peering over her sholder at the screen.
"It would appear so,
Jack," Emilia replied. "And I believe that it is singing the theme song
to our show!"
"Uncle Sam's favorite
Son, huh!? I'm sure the compu-thingy is talking about me!"
"Computer, Jack. It's
called a computer," Emilia corrected.
"And look! Even JC
got a part!"
"Although I've never
heard him ever utter profanity!"
"Hey, Em, what does
this red dot thingy do?" Jack asked, pointing to a gadget with a wire and
appeared to be connected to the
computer.
"Well Jack, I believe
thats called a mouse. It moves the little arrow around the screen. And
if you use this little button then it opens
different files."
"Okay Em, you lost
me after 'Jack'!"
"Just point the arrow
at stuff and hit the little button!" Emilia clarified.
"Well when you put
it that way, it actually makes sense!" Jack chuckled as Emilia threw her
hands in the air and sighed. "So I can point
this little thing and hit this button. Say, Em whats a 'message board'?"
Jack asked as he clicked on a post labled "Little Brit story train".
"I think a message
board is a place where people get together and talk about a show and its
stars. In this case, the posters here are
discussing us and our lives."
"Look at this Em!
This is the story of that time that I ,or should I say the 'daring dragoon'
saved the day! It's about the time Kentucky
and I visited you in England! You were a good kiser then! Say, wanna
try that again?"
Emilia just rolled her eyes.
The dinner seemed to be going well; the actors
answered questions that fans asked, but only the actors and two teenagers
knew differently.
Laina and Bryan were sitting at a table close to the stars and they
could tell that the actors did not have their minds completely focused
on the
event at hand.
"Laina, eat your dinner
or you won't get any dessert," their mother chided.
"Mom, you know I haven't
eaten dessert after meals for years!" she rolled her eyes. Leaning towards
her brother she whispered "We've
got to figure out how Jack and Emilia got here and then we've gotta
figure out how to get them back to their own time!"
"Why us?"
"Because they're not
going to do anything about it," Laina snapped, meaning the stars. "Not
that I blame them or anything; it's not like they
had the appearance of two time travelers listed on their schedules."
"What could they do?
And what could we do? It's not like we've got an extra Chronos Stone laying
around or an Orb, or something to
make a blue swirly portal..am I forgetting anything else?"
"Well, the fake chronos
stones that that guy OmarSnake wrote about--if they existed at all."
"You know Laina, sometimes
I think you spend too much time reading fan fiction!"
"Bryan? Laina? What
are you two whispering about? It would be nice if we could have a family
conversation," their mother interrupted,
giving them her 'be polite' look.
"Sorry mom. Um..may
we be excused?" Laina asked.
"Why? Aren't you two
enjoying this event? After all, you did want to travel all the way from
Iowa to New York for this convention."
"Course we are!" Bryan
exclaimed."It's just Laina promised to meet this person she's been talking
to online who's also here..somewhere."
"You never mentioned
this, Laina," their mother stared accusingly at her.
"Well...I figured
it might be okay, considering we are in a pretty public place, and besides,
my older brother will be there to be sure I
don't get kidnapped or anything."
Bryan sighed, exasperated. Their mother did not notice.
"All right. You may go, but be careful."
Laina grinned and jumped up. "Come on Bryan!"
Up at the actors' table Bruce was completing his final
answer to another repetitive "Is there going to be an Evil Dead 4 movie?"
when he
saw the two kids from before get up and leave. He nudged Angela
who was sitting beside him.
"What is it?" she
asked.
"I think those kids
from earlier are up to something," he said, nodding to where the teens
were leaving.
"So?"
"What if they go back
to you know where?"
Angela shrugged. "I really don't see a problem. They seemed
to be pretty nice, and Jack and Emilia could use some company since we're
busy with this."
"Company? When they
have the computer and television?" Bruce quipped.
Laina and Bryan hurried up to their floor
and went to the room where Jack and Emilia were more or less hiding. They
knocked on the
door and waited for an answer.
"We're not interested!"
Jack's voice called after a minute.
"Jack, it's Bryan
and Laina. You know, where you got the clothes?" Laina replied.
Another moment passed before the door slowly
opened.
"I guess we can let
you in," Jack shrugged as Laina and Bryan entered. "What do you want?"
"We were hoping we'd
be able to help you figure out how you got here and then figure out how
to get you back to your own time,"
Bryan explained. Then as an afterthought, "Actually, she wanted to
do that. I just wanted to eat dinner and check out Angela--oof!" Bryan
gasped as Laina's elbow met his stomach.
Laina and Emilia's eyes met for a moment,
both expressing the same exasperation--MEN! Laina glared at Bryan and grit
her teeth.
"Anyway...do ya remember how ya got here in the first place?" she asked
after a moment.
Jack and Emilia thought for a minute. "Uh...not
really..." Jack scratched his head and looked up above the ceiling.
"Come on now!! Put
your heads together and think!" Laina pleaded.
"That's it! Now, I
remember! Someone conked our heads together! We were uncousious and woke
up at a 'mall,'" Jack suddenly
recalled.
"He's right!
For once!" Emilia joked.
"Hey!" Jack
glared at them when they laughed.
"Anyway...."
Emilia continued. "After that we were brought in to a room and mistakened
for Mr. Campbell and Ms. Dotchin! So,
we were brought here and then they came, then you two."
"Hmmm....that's
a strange situation!" Bryan shrugged. "I mean...how can ya'll be here when
you guys were uncouious. Before
you ended up here, what happened before you two bumped heads?"
"Well, um...Em
was making some kind of formula for my nasal congestion and she got all
the stuff she needed. After that she
told me to put the stuff in her lab, but of course I was too lazy to
put them up, so I just put it on the table. After that we sat down
for some tea and then someone behind conked our head together and then
here we are!"
"Wait a minute...did
you said that you didn't put up my ingrediants up in my lab?" Emilia asked.
"Yeah so?"
"Well, I forgot
to tell you that I got one wrong ingredient but was too tired to go back
to the market. So, I thought maybe
I'll return it tommorrow and get the correct one. Maybe after we were
uncousious the stranger mixed it together..."
"And ya'll wound
up here!" Laina screamed. "Yes! We solved the mystery! In your face Nancy
Drew!"
"What Drew?"
Jack and Emilia were confused.
"Uh...you know
twenty-first century humor," Bryan explained. "Anyway, all we have to do
is get the ingredient you want
and then return ya'll back!"
Laina, Byran, and Jack cheered until...
"That's a great idea
but..."
"But what?" Everyone
looked at Emilia.
"I forgot the ingredients!"
Emilia frowned. Jack, Laina, and Bryan's faces fell. For a long time, nobody
said anything.
"Wait a second!" Bryan looked
like he had just had an epiphany. "Why do you think it was the stuff you
were making for
Jack's congestion that sent you here? I mean, I've heard of powerful
drugs- but something that induces time travel? The FDA would
have a field day with that one!"
"FDA?" Jack echoed.
"You ninny!" Laina hissed
at her brother. "You can't use twenty-first century acronyms and expect
them to understand! But you
do have a point," she pouted, sitting down on the edge of one of the
hotel beds.
"Well, it could have been
one of Em's concoctions that got us here-we surely had a time with that
love potion she made--"
"From a Spanish Fly? You
were supposed to use it on Croque so he and Camille would...well you know--"
Laina said.
"Yeah! How do you know all
that?" Jack asked.
Laina sighed and turned on the television. It was a Friday
and in some areas Jack Of All Trades came on twice. She turned it
on to the local WB channel and found they were showing a repeat of
"Horse of a Different Color" (either that or the hotel they were
in decided to have a Renaissance Pictures marathon). For thirty minutes
the four of them watched the show. Laina and Bryan
watched Emilia and Jack's reactions to the program. One could clearly
say they were appalled.
"It didn't happen like that!"
Jack shouted once the credits for Robert Tapert and Sam Raimi came up.
"Well, at least not
entirely like that! We never lost any of the races!"
"And I most certainly did
not become that obsessive about gambling!" Emilia huffed. Jack harumphed.
"Well, not as obsessive
as they showed me to be."
"Whoa! So, you're saying
you met Catherine the Great? But she'd already been dead for some time--"
"Of course it wasn't Catherine
the Great! But it was one of her grandchildren who was given the name,"
Emilia explained.
"And she did have a horse that Croque had somebody steal--never found
out who--and she did threaten to destroy Pulau Pulau
if her horse wasn't found."
"Okay..." Bryan glanced
at his sister who was about as perplexed as he was. Apparently the writers
of the show had been
getting fairly accurate material from someone..but who? And who was
it that knocked Jack and Emilia out?
"I don't like the
look on your faces. What are you two thinking?" Jack asked.
"Do you have any idea
who knocked you two out?" Laina asked after a moment. "If we could figure
that out, then maybe
we'd have a better chance of finding a way to get you home."
Jack and Emilia looked at one another trying to think
of all their enemies. There was Croque, Brogard, and Napoleon, but they
were never any real challenge. There was Blackbeard, but the last they
heard the ship he was on sank off the southern coast of
America. Then there was Nardo De Vinci..but he was dead, wasn't he?
They had destroyed his shark sub with his own torpedo..
"Do you think it could
be someone connected with that orb-thingy that Brisco was searching for?"
Jack asked after a few
minutes.
"Wait a second! You
guys know Brisco? As in Brisco County Jr.?" Laina demanded.
"What? Have you also
run into him?" Emilia asked.
"Well..not exactly,"
Laina admitted after a moment, glancing at Bryan for some assistance.
"Believe it or not,
there's a show on television called 'Brisco County Jr.' and Bruce Campbell
played him," Bryan explained.
"Man, this Bruce Campbell
sure has a knack for playing people who look like me! Next you'll be telling
me he played
Autolycus, the King of Thieves! And why do I even bother to say anything,"
he grumbled, seeing the expressions on Laina and
Bryan's faces.
"When did you run into him?"
Laina asked.
"It was some time after
Brisco left Pulau Pulau. He and some Asian girl appeared. Seemed they had
misplaced this Chrome Dome--"
"Chronos Stone!" Bryan and
Laina exclaimed in unison.
"Yeah, how do you know about
it?" Jack asked.
Laina looked at Bryan. "Hey, don't look at me! I
told you we probably should have let things alone."
"You didn't tell me that!"
Bryan tsked. "Knew I forgot something!"
Truth be told, although the future confused him
immensely, Jack was actually starting to like it. Even Emilia secretly
was enjoying the
future, but she knew that they had to go back to their own time. She
sighed. She really could not recall any of the ingredients.
A half hour later, Bruce and Angela reappeared.
The dinner was over and they had the rest of the night to themselves. The
next two days would be full for them. Weekend conventions always lasted
both Saturday and Sunday. Plus, Saturday night, was the
concert and comedy show. They were all involved in that. After the
convention was over, Bruce and Angela both promised to help
Jack and Emilia figure out how to get home.
"Hey Bruce!" came a voice from the hall.
Bruce popped his head outside the door. It was his buddy,
Ted Raimi. "Hey Ted!" he said, feigning cheerfulness. Ted had arrived
just in time for the dinner.
"I was wondering if you wanted to work
on our comedy act one more time," Ted said.
"Um, I would love to but I can't."
"Why not? Is there something going on
in that room?" Ted asked, noticing the mostly closed door. He did not wait
for an answer.
He slipped passed, despite Bruce's efforts, and into the room. "What
the....?" he asked stunned.
"Long story pal. But it seems as if
this is the real Jack and Emilia."
"Wait 'till Sam hears about this!" Ted
said in awe. "This would have made a great episode, if only your show had
survived."
Suddenly, Emilia caught wind of a familiar scent. She
looked at Ted. "Are you eating something?" she asked.
"Yeah, an after dinner mint." Ted answered
confused at this point.
"That's it! Mint was one of the ingrediants!"
Emilia exclaimed.
"Well a lot of good it does us now,"
Jack muttered.
"What are you two talking about?" Bruce
asked.
Jack and Emilia looked at Bryan and Laina who had remained when
Angela and Bruce returned from the dinner. Verne, Stephen,
and Stuart had decided to turn in, although Bruce and Angela suspected
they were trying to avoid a severe headache.
"We could explain," Laina said after
a moment. "But I would advise you to have Excedrin or some type of headache
cure handy."
"Who are you two?" Ted asked.
"Ted, meet Bryan and Laina. They're
fans of ours," Bruce made the introductions.
"Nice to meet you," Ted nodded. Glancing
at Bruce he added "And they aren't weirded out by all this?"
"Apparently not."
"Where are you two from?"
"Iowa," Bryan answered.
"That explains it!"
Laina frowned. "Explains what?"
"Nothing," Angela replied."Perhaps you'd
better explain what you were going to before we lose an entire night of
sleep!"
"Um...well we were asking them what
happened before they got here. Apparently...Emilia was trying to find a
cure for
Jack's nasal congestion and accidently bought a wrong ingredient. She
was too tired to go back and exchange it, so she was gonna
go back the next day. After Jack and Emilia returned home and sat down
for some tea someone came up from behind them and
conked their heads together and they woke up at the mall. Emilia suggested
that the stranger mixed the ingredients together and
that's how they wound up here!" Laina sighed and sat down.
"I see. So, you're saying that
'mint' was one of the ingredients right?" Anglea asked.
"Yes, but she still needs to remember
the rest," Bryan said.
Bruce sighed. "This is gonna be one long night!"
"What? Some concoction to clear
his nasal cavities brought you here?" Ted asked.
"Well, that was what we originally
thought," Emilia said, "But then we discarded it because we've run into
other apparatuses
used for time travel--"
"Namely the orb and Chronos Stone,"
Laina interrupted, earning several glares from the adults. "Sorry."
"Wait a second! The Chronos Stone and
the Orb are fake! Just things made up for different TV shows!" Bruce exclaimed.
"Strange that they'd be from shows you
did," Ted said after a moment.
"Oh, and guess what? Jack and Emilia
have met Brisco and Autolycus!" Laina added. "Well they said they did!"
"Somebody's been reading too much fanfiction,"
Bruce muttered.
"I know it sounds unbelievable, but
we did happen to meet the two men Laina mentioned. Brisco somehow ended
up on Pulau
Pulau before returning to his own time when he had his last stand off
with Bly. And then one day shortly after he was gone, Autolycus
appeared with a young girl and they were asking about some Chronos
Stone," Emilia spoke softly, yet loud enough so everyone heard.
"Believe me, we are very familiar with
the Chronos Stone," Ted said. "And Bruce is the expert on the orb or should
be if he's not."
"Hah, hah, hah!" Bruce was not amused.
"Okay, so you are implying that it was either the orb or the Chronos Stone
that brought
you here? If that is the case, then one of the objects should be here,
and neither are--"
"But that doesn't mean one couldn't
be," Laina said.
"Oh sure! Why I'm sure the nearest WalMart
is just stocked with Orbs and Chronos Stones! They do have everything,
you know!"
Bruce said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"No, that's just the Super WalMart,"
Laina retorted.
"Great, next your going to tell
me that Ash, got involved in this too, right? Give me a break." Bruce started
to pace.
Jack and Emilia looked at Bruce at the same time.
"What about the book from your movie," Jack squeezed his eyes shut in concentration,
"uh.. it was on a little... Oh yeah, Army Of Darkness."
Everyone grabbed Bruce, as at this point because
he looked like he was about to kill his alter ego. "It's just a God Damn
movie!!"
Jack rolled his eyes. "It was just a thought."
Ted looked at his watch. It was geting really late.
The others looked tired as well, the effect of jet-lag. "Look," he said,
after a minute.
"Let's get through this weekend and then we'll get them home somehow.
Let's just get some sleep now. We have two full days ahead of
us. And those fans expect us to be our usually lively selves, not half
dead because we stayed up al night trying to send two time travelers
home. No offence."
"None taken." Emilia
and Jack smiled.
Bruce hated to admit it, but Ted had a point.
Conventions were full of energy; they needed to be too. Besides, their
conversation had
gotten them nowhere so far. "Ted's right. Let's just all get some sleep.
Stephen, Stuart, and Vern all had the right idea." Bruce said, calming
down.
After a round of 'Goodnights' they all left
for their rooms. Jack and Emilia were left alone again. They quickly changed
into some spare
loose fitting clothes, provided by the two teenagers. Emilia had on
a pair of plaid pants and an oversized shirt with the head of a cartoon
mouse
on it. It read "Micky Mouse." Jack had on a pair of green flannel PJs.
"Good night,
Jack." Emilia sat on the bed closest to the window and got under the covers.
"Night, Em."
* *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
*
It only seemed like their
heads had touched their pillows when they were awakened by a loud ringing
sound. Emilia and Jack jumped
out of their beds fearfully and held on to one another as they looked
around for the source of the sound. There was an odd contraption on the
stand closest to Jack's bed that had a red light that flashed each
time they heard the godawful noise. Jack eased forward and cautiously
approached the stand and picked up the piece that looked like it could
belong to some kind of odd weight measuring system.
"Good morning.
This is your wake up call," someone said through the piece. Before Jack
could comment, there was silence on the
other end for a moment and then a slight click followed by a monotone.
"Weird," Jack
said as he put it back. Just as he did, it rang again. "What the--?" Emilia
motioned for him to pick it up again.
Jack did and waited. "Good
morning, it's Bruce."
"Uh...hello?"
Jack said uncertain.
"Ah, Jack! So,
did you and Emilia have a nice sleep?"
"I think so. At least
until we were woken up by this contraption we're talking on. What is it?"
"It's called a telephone.
Some people I know would consider it the bane of our existence. Anyway,
just calling to make sure the
wake-up call I put in worked for you. Seems it did. Angie and I will
be over in a few minutes. Talk to you later," and with that Bruce hung
up.
Again, Jack heard the same little click and the same tone.
"Jack, who were you
talking to?" Emilia asked.
"Bruce. He said he
and Angie would be here in a few minutes."
"Well, guess we should
get dressed..." Emilia glanced toward the door that led to the bathroom.
Jack followed her gaze.
"Oh no you don't!"
Jack tried to reach the bathroom first, but Emilia beat him to it. Behind
the closed door he could hear her laughing
triumphantly. "Just don't be in there all day!"
Three hours later, Jack, Bruce, and Angela were sitting
around in Jack and Emilia's room, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom.
Jack was still in his pajamas. While they waited, Bruce decided to
introduce Jack to a new form of caffeine. "This is soda, Jack. Just pull
this
tab on the top and it opens," explained Bruce.
"Oh, I see!"
Jack opened the can of Coke and took a big swig. "Hey! This stuff's good!"
Bruce and Angela had to keep themselves from laughing
at him. Half the soda he had tried to drink had ended up on his shirt....
Emilia finally came out of the bathroom a half
hour later. "Ahhh, the miracle of Herbal Essenses Shapoo!" she exclaimed.
"And a hot
shower! Wonderful!" She looked up and saw Jack buzzing all around the
room. Bruce and Angela were practically wetting their pants.
On the bed were empty cylinders made of some kind of metal. "What are
those?" she asked.
"Those are empty cans
of soda," said Angela. "And our friend Jack is on a major sugar high!"
"So-dah! So-dah! Soda
soda soda sodasodasoda! Sooooooooo-dahhhhhhh! I love soda! Soda! Yum!"
yelled Jack.
"Shhhh, keep your
voice down, Jack!" whispered Bruce. "People walking by in the hallway will
think I'm on drugs!"
"Drug-suh? Are drug-suh
like soda? If they are, I want somma those! " Jack hiccuped.
"Oh no you don't!"
Bruce laughed. "The last thing I need is for you to get arrested for doing
drugs, and people thinking it was me!"
Jack looked at Bruce a moment and then noticed
that the bathroom was free. He grabbed his clothes adn went in to take
a shower.
After a brief silence, Jack bursted out singing. Emilia gave one of
her patented eye rolls. He came out twenty minutes later, his sugar rush
dimishing. He emerged in the same blue jeans and a blue denim shirt.
He was towel drying his long hair.
Emilia took a double take. Jack looked even
more handsome in these clothes then he had the previous day. The T-shirt
had given him
a boyish look, but the denim shirt made him looked ruggedly handsome.
Funny, Bruce didn't have that effect on her.
"Where'd
our friends go?" Jack asked after a moment, noticing that Bruce and Angela
were gone.
"They
went down to that 'convention' that they were talking about. Our 'Napoleon,'
'Brogard,' and 'Croque' from last night are
speaking today and then apparently Brogard and Croque are returning
to New Zealand and Napoleon's going to California."
"I see.
Wonder what else goes on at these things."
"Seems
like fans of our friends pay money to go to this. They meet other fans
and our friends go on a stage and answer questions--
hence the speaking--and then they sign their names on pieces of paper.
I'm not quite sure why, though."
"Sounds
like fun!" Jack exclaimed, his eyes sparkling.
Just then there was a knock on the door.
"Who is
it?" Jack called.
"It's
Laina and Bryan," they heard Laina say. Jack opened the door and the teenagers
walked in.
"Did you
guys have a party in here or something?" Laina asked noticing the different
empty cans of soda.
"Bruce
introduced Jack to the power of caffeine," Emilia explained, a small grin
tugging at her lips. Laina and Bryan laughed.
"So, what
are you two doing here? Why aren't you down at the convention?" Jack asked
after a moment.
"Well..we
were thinking that maybe you'd like to come down too? I mean, Bruce and
the others might try to, but they can't keep you
here the entire weekend," Laina said.
"What
do you say Em? Should we make an appearance?" Jack glanced at his partner.
"It does sound
interesting, but what'll happen if people suddenly mistake us for Bruce
and Angela?"
"Fandimonium!"
Bryan put in.
"I didn't mean
go down now!" Laina huffed. "It's gonna be at least another two hours before
the costume contest starts! That's when
I was thinking you could come down."
"I don't know
about you, Em, but I'm getting a little tired of just staying here," Jack
said after a moment.
Emilia sighed. She didn't really want to admit
it,
but she was also getting tired of being in the room. "I guess it couldn't
hurt if we went for
a little while," she relented at last.
"Good. We'll
be back in an hour!" Laina grinned happily and pulled her brother out.
"Why do I get
the feeling I'm going to regret this?" Bryan muttered.
As Laina said, she and Bryan returned an hour later.
Laina had her own costume in her hands. Bryan had a fairly good Dragoon
costume
that he and Laina had made together with him.
"So, are you
ready to go to the convention?" Laina asked when Jack opened the door to
let them in.
Jack and Emilia glanced at one another. "Actually
we decided not to go. We don't have anything to disguise us here and we
don't want
to cause our friends any trouble," Emilia explained.
Bryan and Laina grinned. "No problem!" Bryan said.
"You can wear
our costumes!" Laina exclaimed.
Emilia frowned. "But aren't you two going to enter?"
"We were," Laina
shrugged, "but usually people with Xena or Hercules costumes win, at least
that's what I've seen. Besides, you two
deserve to get out of this room. Please?"
Emilia and Jack looked at one another. "All right,"
Jack finally agreed.
"Good. Emilia?"
Laina nodded towards the bathroom. Emilia took Laina's costume and went
in and shut the door.
Bryan gave Jack his Dragoon outfit. "We'll be outside,"
he said, following Laina out the door.
The door opened five minutes later and Jack and
Emilia came out. Emilia was dressed in black and wore a mask that had pictures
of just about
all the characters from the various Renaissance Pictures shows, especially
Jack
Of All Trades. Laina explained that her idea was to be a
Renaissance Pictures Creation. Jack was dressed as the Dragoon.
"Well,
how do we look?" Jack asked.
"Like...yourselves,"
Bryan said.
"Let's
just hope they don't get drafted for the costume contest," Laina muttered.
* *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
*
He watched the four of them coming down the
stairs, heading towards the ballroom where the convention was being held.
He thought about
making his presence known. A small, maniacal grin formed as he anticipated
the reaction they would have. Ah, not yet. Why ruin a good thing?
* *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
*
As they entered the ballroom, they heard someone
announce that the costume contest was about to start and that the cast
of Jack Of
All Trades would present the prizes.
"Now,
whatever you do, don't sign up for it!" Bryan warned.
"Oh, wow!
Look at those costumes!" someone ran up to Jack, Emilia, Laina, and Bryan.
She was dressed as Ephiny from Xena. "Hey,
you two have got to enter! There are so few JOAT costumes as is!"
Before any of them could protest, "Ephiny"
took Jack and Emilia by the hand and dragged them toward the stage.
"Oh boy!
This is NOT good," Laina hid her face in her hands.
"C'mon!
We gotta tell Bruce or Angela!" Bryan grabbed his sister's hand and the
two teenagers tried to approach the two stars.
"Sorry
kids. Can't let you by," a Creations Convention guard told them.
"Just
tell Mr.Campbell and Ms.Dotchin that Laina and Bryan need to talk with
them.Or get Mr.Devenie or Mr.Troyer--"
"Or Mr.Papps.
Look, kid. They're busy with the costume contest right now."
Sure enough, the stars were walking along
the front of the stage looking at all the costumes. Many of the contestants
were dressed as
characters from Xena and Hercules; there were a few Hels,
Sarges, and Cleos. Someone even dressed as Creegan. Soon they came to where
Emilia and Jack stood in their costumes. Laina chewed on her lower
lip as the stars became intrigued with the very complete Dragoon costume
and the mask worn by Emilia.
"That's
some mask you got there," Stephen commented. "Are you a Renaissance Pictures
Creation?" Emilia just shrugged. "Well, I think
we've found our winners," Stephen turned to the others who nodded in
agreement. "Bruce, Angela. Would you like to do the honors?"
"Sure."
Bruce and Angela moved to stand on either side of the Dragoon and the RPC.
"In first place is the Renaissance Pictures Creation
and in second, the Daring Dragoon!" Bruce and Angela announced together.
Verne, Stephen, and Stuart brought over the prizes won.
"Now,
why don't you two take off your masks so we can see who our winners are?"
Angela suggested.
Jack nudged Emilia. "Is it just me, but are we having--"
"Deja vu all
over again!" Laina muttered.
"You know, now
would be a good time for one of those blue swirly thingies to show up!"
Bryan commented dryly.
"Klaatu Verata
Nicktu," she replied in a mocking tone.
Bryan gave her a disgusted look. Over to his left was a group
of people. He could hear parts of their conversation. Apparently it was
a group
of people who knew each other from the Jack Of All Trades message
board.
"Hey Deadly
Chakram!" came a voice.
"Hey Melody!"
came the reply.
"What's
new Buttercup?"
"Not much.
Good to see you Azn Dragoon!"
"Emilia01!
Nice to meet you!"
"Hey Japjoea!
Nice to see you again."
Bryan chuckled. He wished he had known somebody right at that
very moment to erase his knowledge of what would be happening soon.
On stage, Jack and Emilia were trying not to get caught. Jack
shot Bruce a pleading look, but Bruce didn't notice it because of the mask.
"I will
not take off my mask," he said disgusing his voice. "I do not want people
to...see the horrible scars on my face. And my beautiful
wife here has a birthmark she'd rather not show off." He knew it sounded
stupid, but heck, Emilia hadn't said anything. And usually she told
good lies.
"Wait
a moment! I know that voice," Angela said, glancing at Bruce. Bruce understood
what she was saying and looked out into the
audience. They soon spotted Laina and Bryan who grinned and waved back
weakly.
"Hey,
come on. Take off your masks!" Stuart said, and before anyone could stop
him, he had taken off Emilia's mask.
Everyone in the room fell silent as they saw the
two Angelas, or Emilias.
"Oh, what
the hell," Jack muttered, taking his off as well. For a long moment no
one said anything, moved, or even coughed.