Gloriosus:
This isn't original with me (it was ~Alex’s/XenaFurter’s, thanks for
being my muse), but the idea conjured up some amusing possibilities, with
apologies to StudiosUSA/Renaissance Pictures and Richard O’Brien.
“In the Beginning the Gods said, LET THERE BE LIPS!!!... "
(suddenly dissolve to a pair of disembodied lips singing a song)
Oh Meleager was ill when they closed down his still,
But we showed him where we stand,
And Callisto was there in leather underwear,
Hurling fireballs at the Amazon band.
Then something went wrong with our bardic song,
And the fight upset the vegetable stand,
'Cause whoever was writin' this got struck by lightnin'
So nothing's gonna go as we planned
In this...
Mythic Mayhem Double Feature,
Shish-kebob Eli the preacher,
See Xena fighting, Gabby reelin',
Gods and monsters trash New Zealand,
Oh oh oh oh,
At the late night Mythic Mayhem picture show.
Oh those Ancient Greek Gods were behavin' real odd
When the Amazons took to the hills
And I gibbered insanely when I saw Ted Raimi
Fight Caesar with his legion of skills.
They took Gabby and Xena to the Roman arena
And engaged in a battle of wills
But when myths collide and you get crucified,
That's when all the fantasy overspills
Into...
Mythic Mayhem Double Feature.
Shish-kebob Eli the preacher
See Xena fighting, Gabby reelin’
Gods and monsters trash New Zealand
I wanna go,
To the late night Mythic Mayhem picture show.
Riding Argo,
To the late night Renaissance... Picture... Show...!!!
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Xena/Brad Majors - Lucy Lawless
Gabrielle/Janet Weiss - Renee O'Connor
Meleager/Dr. Scott - Tim Thomerson
Ares, God of Love/Frank-N-Furter - Kevin Smith
The Sovereign/Rocky - Kevin Sorbo
Widow Twanky/Riff-Raff - Michael Hurst
Magenta - Danielle Cormack
Discord/Columbia - Meighan Desmond
Caesar/Eddie - Karl Urban
Joxer, the Criminologist - Ted Raimi
It opens with a wedding (say between Hercules and Serena) with Iphicles presiding, and Iolaus and Ephiny are present along with Xena and Gabrielle ...
At the head of the podium, Serena shouts out: "Get ready everyone!" turns around and throws her bouquet. Gabrielle jumps up and manages to wrest it away from another woman and cheers: "I got it! I got it!"
Xena and Hercules look on with proprietary smiles on their faces. "Well, it looks like you're next." remarks Hercules, gently slugging Xena in the shoulder. "Yep! I'm a lucky person." quips Xena, who then noted, "but you got yourself a good woman there." and returned the demi-gods slug. "Everyone knew you'd two make a great couple, ever since you first laid eyes on her." Hercules agrees and they part, going to their respective partners amid the press of well-wishers.
Hercules and Serena board their chariot, which bears the sign "JUST MARRIED - Wait till tonight: She got hers, now he'll get his" as Iphicles, Jason, Alcmene, the crowd, Xena and Gabrielle wave goodbye.
"Wasn't that wonderful, Xena?" asked Gabrielle "And Serena looked so lovely in that dress."
"Yeah, Hercules got himself a wonderful little home-maker." Xena and Gabrielle stand in silence for a while, slowly making their way to Argo. Gabrielle was studying her bouquet, when Xena spoke up. "Gabby?"
Gabrielle(breathless): "Yes, Xena?"
Xena: "Oh Gabrielle, I've got something to say."
Xena breaks into sudden song (to the tune of Dammit Janet)
When we first met, I'd been such a baddy (Gabby)
but your goodness has now made me happy (gabby)
and I want you to know you're my lassy (gabby)
Dammit Gabby I love youuuuuuuuuu
Gabrielle looks at Xena for a stunned moment, then eyes bright, sings:
Oh Xena...
(Oh gabby)
I feel the same way
(Oh gabby)
for you
(I love you toooooooooooooooooooooo)
<together> There's one thing left to dowahoo
X: And that's go to a temple and seal it
g: and declare to the world that we mean it
X: and we'll give that old Ares a real fit
G: Dammit Xena I love you
<Music slows> the two look into each others eyes as a storm suddenly bursts and they are soaked...
<Together> : I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
Scene changes to show Joxer in the midst of an Archive. "And so Xena and Gabrielle set off that night, ignoring the gathering storm clouds, and Xena neglecting to pick up that spare horseshoe for her mount. But they were young and in love, and were about to go off into the night. A night they'll never forget."
CUT BACK to X&G, doubled-up on Argo, who are going down a deserted path in a heavy downpour to visit with their good friend and mentor, Meleager, and tell him their good news, before setting off for Ares temple.
On their way they were repeatedly forced off the trail by speeding chariots carrying leather-clad warlords.
Gabby: "There's another one ... they certainly take their lives into their own hands."
Xena: "Yep, life is cheap to those types."
Gabby: "Are you sure we didn't miss the turn off? This doesn't look like the way to Meleager's"
Xena (comfortingly): "Don't worry, I can still find it." When they suddenly come across a tree that had fallen across the path. "Hmmm ... well, we'll just have to find another way."
Gabby: "But where did those chariots come from?"
Xena frowned, "I don't know, but we'll have to turn around." She wheeled Argo about when the horse suddenly stumbled.
Gabby: "What was that?"
Xena: "Dammit, Argo threw a shoe. I knew I should have picked up that spare back at that last village. (sigh) Well, there's a temple not far from here, maybe we can go there and get some shelter from the storm."
And so Xena and Gabrielle set off, leading Argo, while singing "There's
a Light."
Gabrielle:
In the velvet darkness
Of the Blackest night,
Burning Bright -- there's a guiding star
No matter what or who you are.
X&G:
There's a light,
Phantom Voices:
Over at the Gods' Edifice.
X&G:
There's a light,
Phantom Voices:
Burning in the Fireplace.
Gabrielle:
There's a light ... a light in the darkness
Of everybody's life.
A magenta-haired Ephiny appears in a window singing:
Darkness must go
Down the river of night's dreaming
Flow Morpheus slow let the sun and light
Come streaming into my life
Into my life.
X&G:
There's a light,
Phantom Voices:
Over at the God's edifice.
X&G:
There's a light,
Phantom Voices:
Burning in the fireplace
There's a light ... a light.
X&G:
In the darkness of everybody's life.
The temple loomed up in front of them. Argo whinnied and Xena decided they should ask for help.
The couple approached the temple. The door was closed so Xena knocked. The door was opened by a woman who looked just like...
"Iolaus?" Gabrielle and Xena exclaimed.
"Certainly not" the woman huffed. "I am the Widow Twanky and I am in the middle of giving that big bold muscular god a dance lesson so GO away', she starts to close the door on the stunned couple when another hand holds it open. Its Ares...he opens the door to reveal that he is dressed in tighter than usual leather pants and a sleevless..shirt and nothing else. There's a problem. His clothes aren't black. They're WHITE.
"ARES?" Xena says.
"God o' Love at your service", he bows <song>
<wicked evil grin>
"How ya do I...
see you've met my,
handy dandy gram…
she's just a little put out
because she's been without,
a really good good man.
<voice louder>
Well, please come in,
and don't mind the din,
we're here to have a party.
By the light of the night
I'll show you such a sight
‘cause I'm a lover
not a fighter
I'm just a sweet ole dancer
from Calliopea
Mount Olympia-ah-ah-ahhh ...
The God of Love leads the two women into the house.
"Damn", mutters the Widow Twanky in frustration.
Twanky: It's all hazy.
Things are crazy.
You met Caesar,
David too.
Mythic figures
All in one place.
It's a fracas.
One big stew.
I remember
My social studies.
Reading about these times.
It's nothin' like this.
And Tapert should know better.
He's really time warped you know.
He's really time warped you know.
He flips the plot to the left.
Has it step to the right.
With his hands on the show
The scripts are not so tight.
And all the slang terms fly.
They really drive you insane.
He's really time warped you know.
He’s really time warped you know.
Magenta: It's so dreamy,
It's fantasy, silly!
Don't take it seriously,
No, not at all.
In another dimension,
with entertaining intention.
A new season, every fall.
With a bit of a plot twist,
You just say, "It's show biz!"
And nothing can ever be the same.
You're spaced out on sensation.
Like you're under sedation.
He's really time warped you know.
He’s really time warped you know.
Discord: Well I was sitting by the set
just a-surfing TV,
When this show came on. Such a pleasure to see.
It shook me up, it took me by surprise.
It had a warrior babe, and the devil's eyes.
She gave a whoop, and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
He’s really time warped you know.
He’s really time warped you know.
Twanky led the group in her rendition of time warped, joined in the singing by a wild haired Ephiny. Xena and Gabrielle looked at each other, shrugged, and decided to join in..
After, Ares, joined them in a champagne toast and then announced the unveiling of his latest achievement.
He led them to a room that was empty except for a slab in the middle.
and on the slab lay...
"Hercules", Xena and Gabrielle were stunned...they'd just seen the hero off on his honeymoon...
Then Xena noticed that this was NOT Hercules...For one thing, he had a beard. For another, there was a hardness to his mouth she'd never seen in Hercules ...
"Wait..." the God of Love announced ... this isn't my creation ...This is "the Sovereign". The figure stood up flexing his muscles. Twanky drew her breath in appreciatively. Gabrielle's jaw dropped and she blushed. Xena glared...
"Wonderful!" shouted the guests, applauding.
"He's splendid!" exclaimed Twanky.
"He's all right!" remarked Discord.
And the God of Love shot her a look, "All right ?!? I think we can do better than that." Ares grabbed the Sovereign by the hand and led him over to Gabrielle.
"So, what do you think of him, my dear?"
Gabrielle flushed deeper as she ran her eyes over his body. "Ummm ..." she began, "I really prefer women." Xena stepped closer, placing her hand on Gabby's shoulder.
"WELL!" exclaimed the frustrated God, "I didn't make him for *YOU*."
The Sovereign raked his eyes over Gabrielle and then stood very close to Xena. "hmm, I like THIS Xena, we could do some real damage together"
Xena glared.
Gabrielle glared.
Ares put his arm possessively on the Sovereign's arm.
"Time for bed he announced".
Suddenly, a load whinny is heard drawing the attention of the gathered guests to the red doors at the far end of the Hall. The Red Doors suddenly crash open as four horses drawing a chariot come into the hall.
“Caesar!” Discord squealed, running and bouncing into his arms. Caesar caught her and began to sing:
“What ever happened to the Roman Republic
Lasting centuries until it got sick
With Marius and his standing Army
And Consuls vying for their personal Glory
“We always had a sharing of Power
With the Senate and People who didn’t cower
But our Republic was rife with Civil Wa-ar
And violence spread with its blood and go-ore
CHORUS
“What I did I did for Rome
I did it to protect my home
What I did I did for Rome
And I did it on my own.
What I did I did for Rome
I did it to protect my home
What I did I did for Rome
And I’ll write so in my tomes”
Discord and he mount the chariot and ride it about the hall, scattering the guests from their path.
“Hoping to restore Rome to its former glory
I sought to change the end of the story
By making myself the so-hole ruler
To unify Rome and make it cooler
“My strife against Cassius and Pompey
Continued until that fateful da-hey
When I was the last one finally standing
And my Destiny called me still demanding
CHORUS
“What I do I do for Rome
I do it to protect my home
What I do I do for Rome
And I’ll do it on my own.
What I do I do for Rome
I do it to protect my home
What I do I do for Rome
And I’ll write so in my tomes”
This time it was Xena who took out an ice pick and whacked Caesar. Not a single Xenite blamed her .
Ares: "One from the vaults!"
Twanky: "A Caesar from the freezer like a bat outta hell!"
(The Sovereign looks at the dead body with dire foreboding.)
Xena: "Worried? In your place, I would be. This kind of thing happens to all his creations, can't think why..."
The Sovereign (glaring at Xena): Grrrrrrrr.
Ares (to the Sovereign): "My darling child, don't worry about a thing. The Universe will be ours. Now all we have to do is get you in shape!"
(With a flourish, Ares opens a curtain onto a flashy gymnasium, the weight machines upholstered in black leather. On one of them is a card reading "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOVEREIGN.")
Ares: I don't want no dissension,
Just dramatic tension.
Lots of chemistry,
'Cause in just seven days...
I can make you a God of Love just like me!!!!
(The Sovereign picks up a huge barbell and twirls it like a baton.)
Xena: He'll do backflips and spin kicks,
Climb up cliffs, swing from trees,
With enough stunt doubles, working out is a breeze!
Gabby: Such an effort! If that poor boy only knew
That in just seven seasons...
Discord: Or maybe less!
All: He'll be unemployed...
(all point to Ares)
Just like you.
(Ares looks miffed.)
Ares: "Well, I'm sure we've all had enough excitement for one night. Ladies... (he bows suavely to Xena and Gabrielle) ...My hospitality is at your disposal. My servants will show you to your rooms." (Ares lays a hand on the Sovereign's shoulder and they sweep off.)
Discord: (to Xena) "Can we offer you a change of clothes? That leather must be awfully ... wet."
Twanky: "And it could shrink unless we oil it for you!"
Gabrielle (stepping in): "Thanks, but I'll take care of it. Especially the oiling part. In fact, we should be going. Xena..."
Xena: "It's all right, Gabrielle. (whispers) I want to see what they're up to. We'll play along for now and then pull out the aces when the time's right."
Dissolve to: Joxer, in his Archive, standing on his desk.
Joxer: And so, the Fates, it seemed, had smiled upon Xena and Gabrielle, giving them an unexpected insight into whatever diabolical plan had seized the God Of War's depraved imagination. Yet were they part of his nefarious scheme? And what might he be up to at this very moment? Their anxiety increased as they were shown to their separate rooms. (Dissolve to...)
In a bubbling cauldron we see a blue tinted scene of Gabrielle wrapped in a towel, taken to a room by Discord, who throws her a flimsy robe, and the leather accoutrements, after giving the bard a lascivious look.
Then ... we see a red tinted scene of Xena wrapped in a towel, taken to her room by Discord, who tosses in a robe to the raven haired warrior princess.
CUT TO Gabrielle’s bed chamber, discreetly cloaked in a diaphanous veil, when there’s a knock on the door. “Who is it?” Gabby asked, and the door opened as a figure slipped in. We watch the scene in tasteful silhouette.
“It’s me.”
“Oh, Xena! Thank the Gods, this place really give me the creeps.”
“That’s okay, I’m here now to take care of you.” the warrior princess comforted, and started planting kisses on the bard.
“Mmmm, oh, oh, Xena,” Gabby exclaimed, running her hands through Xena’s hair, when the long locks come off in her hand. “It’s YOU!” Gabrielle screamed.
“I’m afraid so,” responded Ares.
“Xena will kill you when she finds!” shouted the bard. “Just you wait.”
“Do you really want her to walk in and see you like – THIS?” Ares insisted, throwing Gabby on her back, with her legs raised. The bard hurriedly righted herself.
“But, I’d never …” she sobbed, “I love Xena.”
“Of course you do,” soothed the God of Love, as he planted comforting kisses on the compact girl, “but you got to admit, het-sex isn’t so bad, they even allow it on the networks.”
“Oh, oh, you rat …” Gabby manages to push Ares back, demanding “What have you done to Xena?”
“Why, nothing. Do you think I should?”
“No!”
“Then hush, dear, I won’t tell her if you won’t” Ares coaxed, brushing back the bard’s blond hair.
“Well … if you promise you won’t tell,” the blond bard consented, as she fell victim to the God of Love’s caresses.
FADE TO BLACK …
CUT TO the God of Love’s bed chamber, a bare Sovereign lies chained to the bed as Twanky looked on in admiration. Twanky took a candelabra and stalked ever closer to the sleeping demi-god.
“Oooo … You are magnificent,” she crooned, leaning over the prone form. “How about a little hot wax?”
The Sovereign jerked awake at the molten wax being dribbled over his bare back, and let out a shout backing away from the stalking widow.
“Oh, don’t worry dear, the two of us can make such beautiful music together.”
With a cry of horror, the Sovereign ripped apart the confining chains, and fled from the pursuing Twanky.
MULTIPLE CUTS viewing the Sovereign’s escaping the Widow Twanky’s gentle affections.
CUT TO Xena’s bed chamber, discreetly cloaked in a diaphanous veil, when there’s a knock on the door. “Who is it?” Xena asked, and the door opened as a figure slipped in. We watch the scene in tasteful silhouette.
“It’s me.”
“Oh, Gabby!”
“Xena, I’m scared, this place gives me the creeps.”
“That’s okay, I’m here now to take care of you.” the warrior princess comforted, stroking the bard’s hair as she pulled her friend into a comforting embrace and the two began exchanging kisses. Suddenly, Gabrielle’s hair comes off in her hand. “It’s YOU!” Xena exclaimed.
“I’m afraid so,” responded Ares.
“You Bastard! I’ll kill you!” shouted the warrior princess.
“But that would make too much noise, and do you really your little friend to walk in and see you like – THIS?” Ares insisted, throwing Xena on her back, with her legs raised. Xena hurriedly righted herself.
“But, I’d never …” she said, her breath shuddering in barely contained anger “I love Gabby.”
“Of course you do,” soothed the God of Love, as he planted comforting kisses on the warrior princess, who begins to succumb, “but you got to admit, het-sex isn’t so bad, they even allow it on the networks.”
“Oh, Ares …” Xena breathed before managing to push the God of Love back, demanding “What have you done to Gabby?”
“Why, nothing. Do you think I should?”
“No!”
“Then hush, dear, I won’t tell her if you won’t” Ares coaxed, brushing back Xena’s raven tresses.
“Well … if you promise you won’t tell,” Xena consented, as she fell victim to the God of Love’s caresses.
FADE TO BLACK …
Cut to: Ares lying semi-comatose in his suite, covered in hickeys and nasty-looking bruises.
There is a click from a scrying glass in the corner.
Twanky: (on monitor) Master... the sovereign has broken his chains and vanished. Your ultimate weapon of domination is loose and somewhere in the castle grounds. Discord has just released her sisters, the dogs. (The lens clouds over.)
Xena: (raising her head out of the blankets) Well, so much for unresolved sexual tension.
Ares: I don't think I'll ever walk again.
Xena: Good!
(Cut to ...)
CUT TO Gabrielle in the main hall seeing them bicker in the scrying bowl.
“Oh, Xena,” sobbed Gabby, in her flimsy bathrobe, “how could you? If only we hadn’t come to this castle. If only Argo hadn’t thrown a shoe. If only we hadn’t tried to reach Meleager’s and had stayed at the local inn as we had planned. (sob)”
Gabrielle suddenly looks up, as a masculine sobbing echoed her own.
She turned around to see on the slab, the sheets quivering. Going
over, she picked up a corner of the sheets, and sees a tearful Sovereign
cut and bruised.
“Oh, did they do this to you?” she asked. At his nod, she kissed
his wounded hand, ripping a piece from her robe she then bandaged it.
“Well, don’t worry, I’ll make it better.” Gabby comforted, as she continued
to bandage his wounds. The Sovereign then smiled charmingly, and
gently cupped the bard’s cheek.
Cut to Joxer in his Archive.
Joxer (leafing through a lexicon of scrolls): Emotion, a powerful and
irrational master.
A Voice from the Greek Chorus: Why don't you look up "D," for Dork?
Joxer(oblivious): And there seemed little doubt that Gabrielle, for the moment, was indeed... its slave.
Cut to: Discord and the wild-haired Ephiny looking into a scrying glass.
D & E: Tell us about it, Gabby!
Gabrielle: I'm a warrior now. Don't know how.
I used to be a bard, you know.
("You mean she's...")
("Yes.")
I thought there's no use getting
Into heavy beating.
It only leads to trouble
And bad bleeding.
Now all I want to know
Is how to go.
I've tasted blood
And I want more.
("More, more, more.")
I now put up resistance.
I now can go the distance.
I fight with Xena now.
I'm her assistance.
Fight-a fight-a fight-a fight me
I am very deadly.
Thrill me, chill me, can't kill me.
I'm a hero babe now.
I now take on those bad guys(she laughs)
Any size.
I beat them up
And cut them down.
("Down, down, down.")
And that's just one small fraction
Of the main attraction.
I deal a real fierce hand.
Oh, plenty of action.
Fight-a fight-a fight-a fight me
I am very deadly.
Thrill me, chill me, can't kill me.
I'm a hero babe now.
Xena entered the scene, whipping Ares all the way. "I can't believe I boffed a man. HOW DID IT HAPPENED?!!"
Ares grimaced. They said that he was whipped, but he didn't think it was literal.
Twanky glanced at the scrying glass. "Oh goodie! We have a visitor."
Xena takes a look. "Hey, it's Meleager!
Twanky was surprised. "You know this mortal?"
Xena smirked. "I also know Cleopatra and Ulysees. The way this show is going, I'll soon know everyone who ever lived."
Ares frowned. "This Meleager, his name is not unknown to me. He is also known as Tim Thomerson. An actor who has the distinction of playing the lead trancer in a series of videos. He is whom you call JACK DETH!"
Xena got confused. "He might be...I don't know."
Ares flounced over to the scrying glass. "Well! Let's get a closer look at our new guest. Discord! The triple-contact boozer magnet!"
Discord quickly presented Ares with a wineskin labelled "XXXX." Ares uncorked it with a grin. "Aussie beer! Next to Olympian nectar, it's the most powerful stuff there is. Mind you, you need to be an immortal to deal with the hangover, but..."
A huge CRRRRRRRAAASSSSSSHHHHH!! interrupted him as Meleager charged through the wall, bounded up to Ares, wrenched the wineskin away from him and drained it at a single gulp.
"Ahh!" he explained, shaking plaster out of his hair. His eyes slowly focused on... "Xena?? Wha're you doin' here? And why'sh there two of you?!"
"Don't be naive, Meleager," simpered Ares. It was part of your plan, was it not, that Xena and her... sidekick should wear out my defenses before your final assault!"
Just then, a desperate-looking figure backed in through the hole in the wall. He was soaking wet, covered in bruises and mud, and wearing nothing but a muddy, ragged loincloth. "Sovereign?? ...Oh, my precious creature! What could have done this to you??" moaned Ares. A flash of lightning illuminated a silhouette standing in the gap in the wall, holding a staff.
"Gabrielle!"
"Meleager!"
"Gabrielle!"
"Xena!"
"Oh, Sovereign...!" cried Ares in dismay.
As the bard advanced towards the Sovereign, he retreated behind Ares making frightened little grunting noises.
"Gabrielle..." murmured Xena. "Have you been monster baiting again?"
"You, Gabrielle!" Ares' voice was reduced to a wrathful whisper. "How could you do this to my creation?"
"Yeah, the rain'sh made hish loincloth go all see-through..." Meleager chortled.
"And you!" Ares turned to the Sovereign. "How could any creation of mine be reduced to this state by.. by... a bard!!??"
"Yeah, well..." said Xena, sidling over to put her arm around Gabrielle. "She's a no holds bard."
The ensuing post-unfunny-joke pause was ended by the Ephiny sweeping in and announcing: "Master! Dinner is prepared!! And Ahhhh helped!"
"Excellent!" Ares glanced around him. "Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional!" He swept out, followed by his servants and the Sovereign.
"Gabrielle, are you all right?"
"I'm fine. I just had a lot of aggression to work off. Xena, I---" she
broke off, biting her lip. "Last night, I..."
"Shagged Ares? Yeah, me too. Not too bad, was he?"
Gabrielle smiled slowly. "No... not bad exactly... but he seemed pretty miffed when I told him I'd seen better."
Xena returned the smile. "Same here! ...So we're all right?"
"Yes. We are."
"Good. So who gets to carry Meleager in to dinner?"
"I c'n walk!" protested the hitherto comatose Meleager, getting up and knocking over a candelabra.
Dark and ominous, with a strong red-velvet decor motif... such was the God of Love's dining room.
The table was meticulously laid, with seven forks for each place setting.
"May the forks be with you," Xena remarked as she slid into her chair. Ares' servants circled the table, pouring wine.
"What kinda wine is it?" Meleager wanted to know. Discord glared at him, purposely missing his glass as she poured. "Oh... table wine. Well, that's OK," Meleager shrugged, quietly exchanging his glass for Xena's.
"A toast!" announced Ares, standing at the head of the table. "To absent friends--" he broke off as a piece of bread sailed past his head. "Okay, who threw that?"
"Sorry," smirked Xena. "Old habits, you know..."
"Yes. Well. Shall we?" The God of Love sat down and the others followed suit.
The servants brought in a huge covered dish. "What's for dinner?" said the Widow Twanky, sweeping in and settling herself. Discord lifted the lid. Steam curled from under it and dissolved to reveal a huge bowl of green leaves, croutons, anchovies and a creamy dressing.
"Ooh, this is unusually healthy eating for you, Ares," cooed the Widow, taking the tongs.
Ares flashed a toothy grin. "It's a Roman recipe: Caesar salad."
Gabrielle dug in. "Olives, anchovies, lettuce... but this other stuff tastes funny. Why'd you name it after Caesar?"
"That's rather a tender subject," said Ares. "Another slice, anyone?"
Gabrielle turned pale and dropped her fork.
"Dammit, I want seconds," growled Xena, gnawing a bone. Gabrielle looked at her, shocked.
"Xena!!"
"What? Oh, is my dark side showing?" said Xena with her mouth full.
Ares smiled. "I know this is what he would have wanted."
Xena paused, then laid down her fork. The Sovereign was the only one still eating. With a flourish, Ares yanked the cloth from the table to reveal a cold-storage cabinet containing the partly-dismembered remains of Caesar.
(Music)
Ares: From the day he was born
He was trouble
He broke your legs
Had you crucified
He tried in vain
To keep you from rising again...
Xena: So we'd better do the same now that he's died!
Though he's quartered and drawn
And partly eaten
And it looks like he's gone,
How do we know?
We're out of our head
If we think that once he's dead
He can't come back on this show!
All: That Caesar geezer's dead and in the freezer
And that's how we think he should stay
But there's no telling when
he'll be back again
If we don't try to keep him that way!
Gabby: In my modest lifetime
I've died four or five times
With such an implication,
Who needs reincarnation?
It's great for my spirituality....
Ares:
What religion are you?
Doesn't matter!
"Come on back through,"
The writers said.
Tartarus, Hell,
Or the place where the Amazons dwell
Next episode you're back from the dead!
All: That Caesar geezer may be in the freezer
But there's no telling if he'll stay
On closer inspection, death and resurrection
Is something we do every day!
Gabby: So I guess...
Xena: We should grind...
Him into patay.
All: Ta-styyy.
Gabrielle turned to Xena. "You didn't seem to mind the dinner."
Xena smirked. "I've eaten Caesar before."
Everyone groaned.
Ares shouted. "Enough of this! It's time for the Floor Show!"
Everyone shouted, "The Floor Show?"
Xena looked at her script. "Aren't we missing several scenes."
CUT TO:
(Joxer in his Archive.)
Joxer (leafing through a script): THEY KILLED ME?!!!!
(Looks up at camera. Gives sheepish look. Puts script away. Addresses camera.)
So it would seem that we got to the floor show a little early. But what will this Floor Show be like? What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this whole adventure was looking a heck of a lot like an episode of JACK OF ALL TRADES.
Bruce Campbell (Voice Over): HEY!!!!!
Joxer (giggles): Sorry Bruce.
CUT TO Xena and the others as they sat in the auditorium. They watched the curtain rise on the stage before them. There they saw several men dressed in black ladies undergarments, fishnet stockings, and high heels. Ares was easy to spot. The other men were Anthony Quinn, Roy Dotrice, and Charles Keating. All actors who have played Zeus at one time or another on the HERCULES TV series.
ANTHONY QUINN
It was great when it all began
I was Zeus, the head god, man.
But it was over when they had the plan
To make the show an hour, oh damn.
Now I'm glad it's a big success.
I wish them all the best, oh yes.
Rose tint the gods.
Keep me safe from the mortals and fools.
ROY DOTRICE
I'm a decent British actor, fine.
I did SPACE:'99.
I was on BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.
The fans know me, at least.
Now the only thing I've come to trust,
Is that TV isn't a bust.
Rose tint the gods.
Keep me safe from the mortals and fools.
CHARLES KEATING
It's beyond me.
Herc has killed me.
I'm a god you see.
Take this plot away.
What's this, let's see.
Death has got me.
What's come over me
Here it comes again.
Suddenly, the show was interrupted. The door burst open, and Eve appeared.
EVE
Gods of old Greece,
Your reign has ceased.
The pantheon is over.
Your life style's too extreme.
You're no longer worshipped.
Your followers have all split.
The twilight is upon you.
Prepare to meet the end.
Ares shouted, "Wait! I can explain."
Some background music started to play. Ares shook his head, and beckoned it to stop. "No no no no. I'm not going to sing this time. I know, I'm supposed to do something to I'M COMING HOME. To be honest with you, I don't remember the tune.
"It's just that I can read the writing on the wall. I can see what's happening. I heard about that trouble Apollo had with Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise a while back.
"Our time is over, folks. Our days as gods are numbered. I understand that, and I know I must accept it. I'll tell you something. It was a blast ruling you mortals. I hope you have fun with your new religions. They look like they're going to be cool.
"I only ask one thing from you. No, I don't want a baby. Forget all that. I just want you to remember us. You don't have to worship us. Just remember us. Paint a picture with us in it. Put us in a stageplay. Just acknowledge that we existed, if only in your imaginations. It'll make me happy."
Ares looked at Xena and Gabrielle, and gave them a wink. Then he led the other gods off the stage. Their bodies slowly vanished as they made their way to the door.
(As Xena watches them leave, she starts to sing.)
XENA
They've done a lot
These gods we had.
To tell the truth
They weren't half bad.
And all I know
is down inside.
I'm missing.
(Gabrielle joins in.)
GABRIELLE
And super heroes
Like mighty Thor
Were once the gods
In days of yore.
In comic books
I see them still.
I'm missing.
DISSOLVE TO
168 INT. STUDY NIGHT
(The CAMERA has spun into a blur but focuses on a spinning globe of the earth on Joxer's desk.)
(Joxer puts his hand on the globe, stopping it.)
(He is standing over his lectern reading from his book like a preacher in a pulpit.)
JOXER
And crawling on the planet's face
Some insects called the human race,
Lost in time, and lost in space,
And meaning.
(He turns and goes to the door of the study.)
(He switches off the light.)
VOICES OFF
Meaning.
(He leaves the study, shutting the door.)
(It's almost dark in the study. Only the forlorn glow inside the globe of the earth remains.)
FINI