From the Bailies up above
To the mutants down below
There never was a future man
Who did more cliche's know
He'll halt the red-haired evils
of Napo-Creegan's attack
There's no Betrayer or Mutant yet
Who don't know Jack
From the Bailies up above
To the mutants down below
It's All for one and one for All
With special effects "to go"
So when you need some laser fire
to mount your next attack
Just ask the "blaster" next to you
Mad Cool! It's Jack!
Substituting:
Jack for Cleo.
Emilia for Hel
Jack (as Dragoon) for Sarge
Croque for Mauser
with Jean Claude as Voice
Brogard as any Betrayer necessary
Napoleon as Creegan.
& the French militia as the Mutants.
********
Jack awoke to see Emilia at work on another crazy invention.
"Oh for crying out loud! Do you know what time it is?"
"Not in the slightest," Emilia replied.
"We're miles underground. There's no way to know whether the sun has set
or not."
"Well check your digital watch, will
you? It's three in the morning."
"Making it 0300 hours."
"Yeah, whatever. Look Em, back when
I was a well respected thespian..."
"A what?"
"A thespian! I mean an actor, so don't
get any funny ideas. When I was a big name star before they froze me back
in 2001, I made it a clause in my contract. I must have my full eight hours
sleep."
"You were never a big name star, Jack.
You were a character actor with a minor following. And I'm sorry for disturbing
your beauty sleep. Voice needs this device ready yesterday, and I shant
disappoint her."
Voice: (in JC's best french accent) "allo Emilia, where
es zee device, mon cherie? Aaarck, tut suite tut suite alors alors Zee
evil Napoleon must not find my locacion!"
There was a strange ripple effect that occurred in the
fireplace entrance. It looked kinda...well.."glitchy".
Emilia looked up, went over to it, frowning. Nothing more
happened, so she turned and walked back.
Croque was trying on a new costume of black with a mask
and a plumed hat. "Fabbulous!" he proclaimed, mincing up and down the catwalk.
Spying the ripple in the fireplace, he went up to it. He spoke softly
to himself - "Sooo! What do we have here, my little American monkey...?"
Nothing, it seemed. He turned around, and began to walk away, when a little
hand grabbed him by the ankle through the flames....
Croque's scream alerted Jack and Em. They turned to see
the droid being pulled away by a little guy in a clown suit.
"It's Napo-Creegan," Emilia cried. "He's
trying to steal Croque."
"That's right, my dear," Napo-Creegan
shouted triumphantly. "And I will take him as easily as I killed your pathetic
father!"
Jack turned to look at his female partner. "Napo-Creegan
killed your father?"
"Sort of," Em replied. "Daddy tripped
over him and fell down a shaft."
Napo-Creegan leered at Em. "I WILL find the location of
the voice that ruined my plans...Are you sure you won't reconsider my marriage
proposal"?
"Never! I'd rather die."
"That can be arranged..." he said, and
emitted a shrill cry - "eeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
French militia came pouring in. Napo-Creegan turned to
his hapless captive - "I have you at last, Dragoon!" He lept high in the
air, drew his sword, and with one swift slice, chopped off Croque's head.
"He killed Croque!"
"Croque's not dead - he's only offline.
We've got other troubles to worry about," said Em' as she grabbed her sword
from the table - "you take the left, Jack..... Jack.....?"
But Jack had mysteriously disappeared.
"Now Dragoon, at last I find out your
true identity!", smirked Nap', as he bent down to the severed head and
with a flourish pulled away the mask..."My ...brother? Merde!" He kicked
the inert body.
"Looking for me?"
With a flourish, the real Dragoon had entered the lab.
During the dramatic sword play that followed, Napo-Creegan
and his giant servant stuffed Croque into a large sack.
"Look! He's getting away, DO SOMETHING!"
shouted Em, fending off the last militia-man with a mighty kick.
But it was too late - the devious little clown-faced man
had jumped onto the back of his giant friend, who then leaped through the
fireplace and down the
shaft, carrying the hapless Croque-in-a-sack with them.
"Croque MUST be recoveured before 'ee
tells Napo-Creegan all 'ee knows, including my locacion - his circuitry
'as never been strong.." said Voice.
"Well then.We must find the location
of Napo-Creegan's lair! Fortunatly I have been working on a new device..."
(LMRS)
The Dragoon nodded to Em. "Would that by any chance be
the device you were working on all this time?"
Em nodded as she brandished the weird looking thingamabob.
"It's calibrated to detect and locate any humanoid life form with a height
below four feet.
We should find Napo-Creegan shortly. Now, let's blow up this lab and
get moving."
"Oh no," Jack cried. "We're not going
to fly down the shaft again! I hate that! Can't we just take the STAAAIIIRRRSSSS?!!!!"
But it was too late. Jack and Emilia were in freefall
as their old lab blew up behind them. Jack was glad that he hadn't had
any breakfast yet.
On their way down, they passed by another one of their
arch-enemies. A Betrayer known as Brogard.
"Ah," Brogard mused to himself. "It
is the Daring Dragoon. The scourge of the Bailies themselves. I must follow
him, and see where he leads. This
might be my chance to end his carrier as the new hope of humankind."
(august)
As Jack plummeted in free fall, his thoughts turned to his initial
training
with Em.
~~~~~~
Em: So, Jack, are you ready to learn
how to sling your way through the shafts?
Jack: Listen, sister, I've slung my
way around better places than this. And I'm the *king* of the shaft. There's
nothing you can te-eee-eeeeEEEEEE
EEEEYYYAAAAAAAAA AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(as she pushed him off the ledge)
~~~~~~
(LMRS)
Croque awoke to find that he was just a dismembered head
sitting on the floor. He realized that this was the reason why Napo-Creegan
seemed taller
than him.
The clownish figure beamed. "Ah dear brother! At last
you have awakened. Now you will tell me all you know about that nasty Voice,
no?"
"I do not understand this," Crogue mused.
"How can I, a robot, be a brother to you?"
Napo-Creegan fumed. "It is I who shall ask the questions,
you demented cur! Now, give me the information or I..." Napo-Creegan had
to give this some
thought. "Will use you for my next croquet game."
Croque quaked in fear. He didn't want his head to be hit
from one post to another. He wished with all his might for the Daring Dragoon
to arrive and
save the day.
(Tblue)
Meanwhile, plummeting down the shaft at breakneck speed,
Emilia angled herself over to Jack's side and said "The device is picking
up signs of a
small lifeform moving down below"
"Well, it is a bit of a rush, travelling
this way - and with you in a dress and all - .."
"Oh do be serious Jack. I'm picking
up signs that Napo-creegan is very close. Hold on to me, we're about to
stop.."
Jack tentatively put his arms around her. "How do we..?"
Emilia executed a perfect mid-air roll, so that they were
falling backwards. She took aim with a small crossbow that was strapped
to her wrist, and fired
at a ledge above. The bolt flew up, embedding itself underneath the
edge. A thin stretchy cord was connecting them to it. It slowed their rapid
descent just enough for them to land safetly lower down.
...
(LMRS)
Napo-Creegan had secured the last of a whole mess of wires
and tubes to Croque's head. "You might as well tell me everything you know.
I'm going to
drain it out of you anyway."
"Now, now dear brother..." Crogue stammered.
"I am sure that we can work out a deal. You were always known to have a
good head on your shoulders..."
"And you have a lousy head lying on
the floor!" Napo-Creegan stamped his foot dangerously close to Croque's
nose. "Now...TALK!!!"
Suddenly, a hearty laugh was heard by one and all. Croque
grinned, for he knew that the laugh belonged to the Daring Dragoon himself.
The Dragoon smiled as he stood in the entranceway of the
hide-out. "So Nappy! I see you're giving head again."
Napo-Creegan flustered as he shouted to his lackeys. "Seize
him!"
"I sees him," One of them replied. "So
what?"
The little clown shook his head. "No, I mean attack him.
Get him. DESTROY THE DARING DRAGOON!"
Suddenly, a nearby wall blew open with a thunderous explosion.
From the new entrance marched Brogard in all his Betrayer glory. "Nobody
is killing the
Dragoon today. Nobody, that is, except me!"
(Tblue)
Brogard's arms morphed into two pointy swords...
(august)
.....and seeing this remarkale spectacle, Jack said "Say, are those
two big blasters, or are you just glad to see us?"
(LMRS)
Emilia arrived just in time to see the two antagonists
begin their duel. Blade clashed against blade as Jack and Brogard engaged
each other in the
manly art of swordplay.
Napo-Creegan glanced at his lackeys. "Well, don't just
stand there. You know what to do."
The lackeys nodded as they armed themselves with camcorders.
They knew that a sword fight featuring the Daring Dragoon would make a
pretty penny at the
local video rental outlet.
While everyone was distracted, Emilia sneaked over and
grabbed Croque's head.
Croque couldn't help but grin. "Ah, Emilia. To be held
in your sweet arms is worth all of the pain and suffering I had to endure."
Emilia winced. For some reason this reminded her of one
of those stupid science fiction shows Jack mentioned to her. Something
called LEXX.
The battle took Brogard and the Dragoon to a nearby ledge.
The mouth of the shaft loomed before the two battlers.
As the Dragoon fought, he kept the conversation going.
"So, what's the deal with these Bailies of yours? Who are they? Are we
talking Barnum and Bailey
here? Why couldn't they have cool names? Like Cylons or Daleks or Borg?
Those names always worked."
Brogard laughed. "Oh no, my friends. You who will not
reveal what is under your own mask will never learn the secret of my masters."
"Oh come off it, Brogard. Your masters
are just a bunch of robotic jerks out to take over the world. They're nothing
new to me."
(Tblue)
"Silence you impudent fool! The surface
has never looked so magnifique!!! Neat lawns, smooth gravel - if it wasn't
for our big flying silver "Boules",
that 'tres grande' french game of "Petanque" would never have survived...The
"Boules" have been preserving Earth for 500 years!!!"
"Enough, Brogard - does it mean nothing
to you that nobody can even survive on the surface long enough to toss
their boules now?? Except those Dworques
maybe... Well, I've picked up a historical trick or two from my OWN
country..." The Dragoon activated his Pelvic thruster.
The Betrayeur was taken by surprise. The added impetus
of the motion behind the Dragoon's final sword thrust knocked Brogard off
balance and he fell
into the shaft, screaming "Dragoooooooonnnnn!!You haven't seen the
last of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....... (thud) Merde!....... (thwack) Zut!........"
- a
tiny speck, he disappeared from view.
Stilling the violent hip motion, the Daring one whispered
"Elvis has left the building..." Then he became aware of a terrible sound
coming from back down the
corridor... Emilia was in trouble!
**********
Emilia dropped Croque to clap her hands over her ears.
Napo-Creegan was making unearthly squealing noises - "eeeeEEEeeeeeeeee!"
"EEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Croque's head rolled around the floor in agony.
"EeeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeeeee!" "Tell me the location of Voice!" "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee".....
Holding his hands to his ears, Jack sneaked a look baround
the corner. The room was full of French Militia - too many even for one
such as the Dragoon!
What could he do? Suddelny he was inspired. He raced back along the
corridor. The place where he'd been woken up... He was sure it was in this
shaft somewhere. Spying a stairwell, he thanked his lucky American stars,
and began to run up the steps.
**********
Candy and Bubbles were defrosting another cryogenically
frozen male.
"This time we don't let you get away!"
purred Candy.
"Ssssth! Not like that other one - Hey!
There he issss!" hissed Bubbles.
Jack stood panting in the doorway. "Ladies - I have a
special little someone who really could use your attentions right now...but
you must follow me...." He turned to go.
"Down the stairssss? No, there's a much
faster way..."
They bundled him off to the shaft.
"No...not this...not again..."
"It's easy. Just hold on to our ankles!"
"Oh?"
They jumped
"Don't look down, you'll be fine"
Jack looked up unthinkingly. "Oh - " He averted his gaze.
This was giving him the strangest sense of deja-vu!
So there they were. Petticoats ballooning like parachutes,
Candy and Bubbles floated gently down the shaft with Jack swinging on their
ankles below, off
to rescue the fair Emilia.....
(LMRS)
Napo-Creegan paused in his torture to look at the agonized
Emiliia. "What is this? If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you didn't
like my singing.
Perhaps you're not fond of the song. I'll try another one."
Emilia gasped as Napo-Creegan went into a cover version
of MACARTHUR PARK. It was too much for her. The sound waves were affecting
the receptor in her jaw. The pain was unendurable.
Suddenly, Candy and Bubbles entered the scene. They started
to dance provocatively around the Militia. Napo-Creegan glanced at his
lackeys. "Well, don't just stand there. You know what to do."
The lackeys nodded as they brought the camcorders out
again. Never mind the local video rental outlet. They knew that Napo-Creegan
would want a record
of this for his own enjoyment.
(Tblue)
The performance put on by Candy and Bubbles was so distracting,
Napo-creegan's piercing voice was reduced to tiny bursts of "eeee-" ....."eeee...."
as he watched on in fascination.
Jack unobtrusively scooped up Croque's head, and he carefully
assisted Emilia as they sneaked quietly towards an exit-way. But suddenly
at the main entrance, a staggering silver figure lurched into the room.
His sword arms were all dented and bent, where he'd used them to pull himself
back up the shaft! His head was none too steady on his shoulders either.
He was grinning like a loon. "I llove you guysh !" he slurred, as he scanned
the room. His retinal scans hiccuped and blipped as he picked out the shapes
of Jack and Em'... "Eshpethally yous!!" With an idiotic grin, he fell flat
on his face.
Napo-creegan's eyes narrowed on the pair-and-a-bit. "So!!
You think to escape the Emperor of the Underground??" He started to jump
up and down a little. "You have the INSOLENCE to try and leave without
my permission??"
His jumps had turned into bionic bounds. He leaped into
the air, and began to throw tiny knives that he had concealed in his jacket.
They sparked redly
as they made contact with the walls around Jack and Em... Croque screamed
in a girly high pitched way. Jack swiftly clapped his hand over Croque's
mouth.
"Now you will PAY!!!" shrieked Napo-creegan.
In slow motion he lunged high into the air towards the
duo.
Em shook her head and smiled. "No. Now it's PAYBACK."
She lifted her skirts, and funnily enough also going into slow motion,
turned and began to execute
a perfect backward flip. Nap' saw the foot coming towards him. There
was nothing he could do.
With an amazing thwack, Em's foot sent him flying backwards
at such velocity, that the camcorders of the Militia could barely keep
up. He hurtled straight through a flimsy wall, and disappeared from view.
Em rushed over. Napo-creegan had apparantly fallen down an old disused
shaft.
The Militia-men had no idea what to do, and in the confusion
while Candy and Bubbles offered their sympathies to the bewildered lot,
Jack, Em' and
Croque's head made their daring escape.
********
Back in the new lab (which looked surprisingly similar
to the old lab!), Croque came through the entrance, fully reassembled.
"That was fast", remarked Em, looking
up
from another new invention.
"Not at all my dear!" exclaimed Croque,
"When our kind of 'betrayeur' model gets pulled apart, we can always come
quickly together again!"
"You said it!" Jack chuckled as he sidled
up to the table - "oof!"
Emilia elbowed him in the side.
"Well he DID say it!" protested Jack.
"Pardon moi, what did I say?"
"He didn't MEAN it like that"
( dialogue starts to fade as the camera pulls away to black )
"Excuse please, - like what?"
"Jack, must you always add innuendo?"
"I didn't add in my end!" - "Oof!"
"You know what I meant...."
"Squark! Merci bien, my locacion is
saved!..."
"Has anyone seen my wig...."
"Em'! Is this a face that would...
"Jack..."
"Emm.."
"Jaaack..."
(LMRS)
Suddenly, Jack Stiles awoke. He looked around his surroundings,
and heaved a sigh of relief. It wasn't the year 2525. It was 1801. He was
in a secret lab
in Pulau Pulau. Everything was as it should be.
"Jack? Are you all right?"
Jack nodded. "I just had the grandmother of all nightmares."
"Well get yourself dressed and ready.
Voice has a mission for us."
"Right as soon as I..." Suddenly, the
lady's words kicked in. "Wait a minute? Did you say, 'Voice'?"
Jack turned to see three women in slinky costumes and
bare midriffs looking down at him. Cleo giggled, "What's the matter, Jack?"
Jack screamed.
*************************
Jack woke up screaming, "EMILIA!!!!!"
Emilia Rothchild raced to his side. "Why Jack, are you
all right? You're shaking."
"You bet I'm shaking! What year is this?
1801? Where are we? Pulau Pulau? So far so good. Now, are we above ground
or underground. Okay, I'm back. Do me a favor. If I try to eat rarebits
again, for the love of God, stop me."
As Jack caught his breath, he realized he had one more
thing to say. "Oh auntie Em, there's no place like home."
*******************************